This post is not going to be pretty. It will ruffle feathers. It will also be terribly long. Some will say I’m wrong for airing our laundry out in the streets. If you follow this blog in any capacity, you will know transparency is what I’m all about. Quite frankly, I don’t like secrets. They don’t help. They hurt. I won’t keep this secret if it helps one parent from having to go through what I am experiencing now.
On August 7, 2018, my five year old son, known as Six, was molested by another five year old. A friend’s five year old, whom we’ll call Andrew. The details of the act are not important for you to know. What is important is what I am outlining from here on out.
We know there are two people who have been harmed in this scenario – both children. The acts committed by Andrew are devastating, but not surprising. We had talked to Andrew’s mom about his behavior. He seemed to stalk Six, often engaging in predatory behaviors: following him, being too close to him, attacking him in weird ways, mimicking him, biting him, hitting him in his stomach – intimidation when people were not looking! His behavior concerned us so much that we limited the amounts of time we would allow Andrew would spend with Six, and eventually tapered it off.
Kid 4 (who is 19) had invited my friend’s son over (we’ll call Dennis), and Dennis brought Andrew. Neither were aware the children could not be alone together to play. We hadn’t thought to make them aware of the limitations and restrictions on play. But Andrew’s mom did know, and I am not sure she relayed this information to her son who came into our home to visit with his brother. Hubby & I were at work, and were unaware of them being in our home or we would have told them to take Andrew back home and why.
Four is the one who discovered the activity, and (in his words, not mine) had to pull Andrew off of Six. He told me that night not long after I got home. I asked him if he had made Andrew’s mom aware. He said he did. I was convinced he hadn’t because we had just left her house about fifteen minutes before he told me the news. I called her. She said she knew. My immediate response was how to take care of her son. I was angry that her little boy was abused and that it spilled over to ours. At that moment, I was concerned, worried and outraged at her position. She is currently going through a nasty separation and divorce, and there are some more complex matters that were weighing on her mind in how to handle it. We hadn’t yet addressed why she hadn’t told me this when she saw me. I was more concerned for the children and how to get them help. I advised her to reach out to her doctor’s office the next day.
I took the steps necessary to get Six help the next morning, reaching out to his doctor by phone. She provided me some resources, and told me to keep watch over his behavior. She alluded to the fact this may have been going on for awhile, and other behaviors would show up if that were the case. I prayed it wasn’t the case, but asked the Lord to show us quickly if this was more than a one time thing.
School started the next week. Since Six is a kindergartner, the school has a program that rotates the classrooms for the first seven days of school before placing them in their final classroom where they will remain for the rest of the year. At kindergarten orientation, we let them know due to some of his issues, this may not be the best plan, and all the change would wear on him eventually because he is not good with change. Things seemed to be going well until last Friday. Six had run out of the classroom and was making a run for the main school entrance. He was violent, kicking and screaming he wanted to leave and the teacher had to restrain him. He said he was ready to go, but would never tell me why he felt the need to leave out so suddenly. This is a kid who loves school and people. All he said is he needed to be away from the people and wanted to go home. Of course, I got a call. My heart sunk.
It seems we’ve been getting calls about his behavior daily. While we understand something happened to our son, we also understand the transition from a part time preschool setting to a not so structured summer was going to wreak havoc on him being able to adjust to full time, all day kindergarten. We were not prepared for an addition of sexual misconduct. We received a call Tuesday evening that Six had inappropriately touched his teacher between her legs, putting his hands up her skirt, repeatedly on Monday. She continually told him no, and let him know his behavior was inappropriate. He kept referring to her private parts as a penis. He said to her “Come on, let me touch it. It will feel good. I won’t tell anyone.” The teacher was very creeped out. And rightly so. I was mortified, and dad was …well, not in a good place.
We are getting Six therapy. He has counseling supports in place. We are teaching him things we didn’t want to have to teach him now, thanks to the irresponsibility and blind eyes of someone else. And while I try to be objective in this post, I am angry, grieved, hurt, disappointed. I feel I failed to keep my child safe. I did fail to keep my child safe. He did not deserve this. I want my little boy back. I wish I had NEVER met my neighbor or her child.
I am supposed to be full of grace, forgiving and merciful. Right now, I am trying. But really, I just wish she would disappear and never return, neither her or her bad seed. That’s the truth. A part of me wants to scratch her eyes out. Beat her up really badly. Send her straight to hell. Seriously. And then, Jesus tells me to be angry but do not sin. He tells me He is the God of all Comfort. He tells me to take on His yoke and His burden. Just this morning, He told me vengeance is His, and He will repay.
We are mourning the loss of a boy we loved, and we still have to learn how to love this child as he is. I miss my Six. This Six is broken and I see it. He is fragmented because of someone else. And it was supposed to be a friend who would love my child as I loved hers. But she didn’t because she’s immature, selfish and self absorbed. I do not hate her, but boy, I sure am mad at her. Love covers a multitude of sins, but really though, I just want to beat her up. That’s where I’m at. The reason why?
After the initial shock of what happened, I began to process. It took a couple days to realize Four is the one who told me what happened, not her. I turned this over in my mind over and over. I couldn’t figure it out. Then it dawned on me why – she was embarrassed. Then it also dawned on me other things that I hadn’t thought of before. She had an idea her son was a predator. She didn’t want to face it. This is the same woman who would not get him behavioral help, using excuses as to why she wouldn’t do it. She refuses to medicate him (which is her choice, but she is clearly not equipped to handle him). She has a serious life situation. I get that. But to ignore what is happening to her son, sacrificing him to keep her man disgusts me. If that makes me a bad person, so be it; pray that Jesus will restore me. Pray that my mind and heart are healed and that I can be objective and loving.
By the way, we attend the same church – which is another component to this matter that brings its own complications.
I reached out to Andrew’s mom at the end of the week (we found out about it on a Tuesday night, I reached out Friday morning via Marco Polo). I explained, very calmly, why I hadn’t spoken to her. I asked her why she hadn’t told me. Do you know what she said? She said “I forgot. I wanted to make sure that Andrew had a good birthday, and that’s what I focused on.” What???? YOU FORGOT???? I won’t tell you what words I said in my heart behind that. You wanted to make sure Andrew had a good birthday????? The. Heck???? So, your kid destroying my kids life is not important? It was 9pm when we went to her house – his birthday was long over!
I’mma leave that there, because I’m still dealing with my heart, and writing about her is really ticking me off. But this is how she responded in real life. I couldn’t believe it. She did some really baffling things after that to get my attention (I blocked her from social media, didn’t go to church – she wrote me a letter, I returned it to her unread, only opened enough to see it was from her since she didn’t put a return address on it). I felt like she semi-stalked me after I told her to leave me alone. Had to tell her more than once to leave me alone. I have to stay away.
After I saw her answer, I reached out to my pastor’s wife. I explained the situation as best as I could over the phone. Of course, Andrew’s mom had contacted her first. She downplayed the situation. But, when I talked to my pastor’s wife on the Friday I contacted Andrew’s mom, she didn’t understand why I was so upset. I was told I needed to give her grace, and that Andrew’s mom lacked maturity. However, when the Hub and I got the call about the incident with the teach, my husband called the pastor directly and we were able to meet face to face to discuss.
Long story short, both the men had to leave, and I had the opportunity to speak with the First Lady directly about the incident with the teacher. Then she understood the severity of the situation and agreed that more accountability must happen, and someone has to step in to make sure that Andrew is getting help. In short, she understood everything and that this wasn’t me making a mountain out of a mole hill. Our main concern is getting Andrew some help, and making sure that his mother complies – or she will lose her children.
I’ve never been a fan of having the church in my business on this level. I’ve never been in a situation where someone has hurt me or my family so severely – and that I’m still expected to worship and interact. I am not sure I can do this. I haven’t been back to my church since this incident occurred. I have been in prayer a lot. Have attended some deliverance services at another church – and have attended that church so I can still get fed, not have to see Andrew’s mom’s face, and can work through this with my family. What sucks is I really love my church, but cannot step foot in it while this person is out of order. I don’t know if I can go back.
I just want to clock out. Period.
And before you think I’m speaking about dying or abandoning my family, or even hurting anyone, I’m not.
What is the point of this post besides airing my laundry? It’s to make people aware not everyone is for you or your kid, that no matter how much mom/dad experience you have, there are people who just don’t give a you know what about your babies. It’s also to show how the church responds to such things, which I didn’t really get into, and this post is already long enough. I’ll write more about that on the next post.
Yes, I still believe Jesus heals and fixes all. He is the discerner of hearts. Oddly enough, I’m not mad at Andrew. I am concerned his mother is going to hide his conduct, and that she is not getting him the help she needs. I do not think she is abusing him, but I do believe there is someone in his dad’s house that is, but she won’t really address it to fix it.
I also had recorded part of a conversation that Six and I had about the incident and others like it where he confirmed Andrew was the only one who was doing this to him. And it wasn’t the first time. That there is a pattern of behavior with this child that his mom is aware of and does nothing about.
This is the quandry of our lives right now. At least, my church is not hiding this, although many do. Many brush it under the rug. I believe if the incident with the teacher had not happened, I would have been accused of being unforgiving and unrepentant. I wonder how many people have gone through this in churches. It’s by God’s grace the Lord gave me opportunity to speak with the First Lady and clarify the matter.
If this has happened to you, and no one is listening, keep talking until someone does! So many people want sexual misconduct to go away, especially in the church. It is NOT okay. And we have to deal with things with our children as a family – in or out of the church.
I’m a survivor of molestation and rape, so in some ways, I feel like watching my child go through this is reliving it. The difference is that I will NOT BE SILENT. I have to be his voice because he cannot for himself. I am grateful Four was here to help. Who knows what will have happened if he weren’t or how long this would have continued. Praise God who allowed what was hidden to be seen.
There is more to this, and I haven’t yet gotten into some of the other deets. Writing this was emotionally draining, and this post is quite long enough. More tomorrow for sure.