“My son, attend to my words; incline thine ear unto my sayings.
Let them not depart from thine eyes; keep them in the midst of thine heart.
For they are life unto those that find them, and health to all their flesh.
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.
Put away from thee a froward mouth, and perverse lips put far from thee.
Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee.
Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established.
Turn not to the right hand nor to the left: remove thy foot from evil.”
Proverbs 4:21-27 (KJV)
You can read Part 1 here: The Breakup – Part 1
I was able to find a job fairly quickly. The job I have now is the one the Lord blessed me with. I knew when I got the call to interview for the job that it was mine. What the Lord has for you, is for you, and He will tell you if you’re listening. However, my heart was not healed from the other place of employment.
I was upfront in the interview for this place of employment. Not because I didn’t care what people thought, but because I didn’t want to waste time. The Lord told me to go with flat out honesty, and not flattery or impressive tactics during the interview process. It worked. I’ve been here since June. It’s been a hard road here. The role itself is difficult. This is not an easy job. It’s fraught with politics. People try to change me at every turn. I refuse to allow it.
Recently, I noticed some discontent in my heart about volunteer responsibilities. I found myself getting an attitude about what I needed to do. I wasn’t acting in love. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, so I asked the Lord. He told me it had to do with my job. The one I left. I was still hurt over it, and I hadn’t yet been healed from their rejection…because I hadn’t asked.
The Lord said to me recently ‘do not despise small beginnings. Work as unto the Lord. You are not working for them. You are working for me. Stand down and adjust your attitude. Whatever they ask you to do, do it.’ How many of you know this did NOT go over well? You see, this place and I don’t seem to fit. They are intent on my cow-towing to them, and I refuse to do so. I say whatever pops into my head. I don’t care if people don’t like it. The Lord has asked me to stop. Like a spoiled and petulant child, I have said NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
However, the Lord said to me ‘They are not trying to change you. I AM.’
Ugh. Not pretty.
Instruction is said in this proverb, along with wisdom quite a few times. The Lord has instructed me and given me wisdom. Now He is giving me the ‘why’s’. I am reminded of Daniel. He started out as a slave, but he was educated, smart, strategic and willing to do whatever the Lord required. Paul, started out as staunch law enforcement, but was later a serious activist for Christ. He too was intelligent, had the right connections, in the right circles, and left it all to branch out. Moses, same story. Esther – right place, right time, right curves.
All of these people were obedient to the call. As I review their stories, their testimonies, I see rejection. I see people trying to snuff out their careers. I see Esther having to beat out a mob of women to be selected. But God was with her. God had chosen her. All of these examples HAD to learn the politics so they could play the game.
At this stage in my life, I want to do a good job, get a check, and go home. But ministry…it ain’t about that. How can you affect anyone when you can’t speak their language? How can you be effective for Christ if you won’t bow to authority? How can you do what you have been called to when you won’t even put on the equipment????
This isn’t really where I was going with this.
Anyway, last year, I told the Lord I wanted my relationships restored. I didn’t realize I was asking him to restore my relationship views on working, too. I never realized exactly how embedded the rejection from the other job was, and how it was spilling over to resentment for things that remotely resembled authority in any other area of my life where there was an established hierarchy, even if I was a part of it. That, my friends, is rebellion. And this is how it sneaks in undetected.
I have had to allow the Holy Spirit to work ON me in great detail in the last couple of weeks. It has not been easy. I have had to be strategic in what I say and how it is delivered rather than whatever pops into my brain letting it eek out. That was my way of lashing out. I was effectively treating my job the way I’ve treated past boyfriends/new boyfriends: made the new place pay for the sins of the previous. And it sucks. It’s ugly.
So before I am granted safe passage to the next place, I’mma have to get this sorted out. It’s painful. Yet doable. Not through me, through Christ who lives in me. I have to allow him to guide my path (taking on projects I have absolutely no interest in doing), submitting to authority (saying yes or remaining silent when everything within me wants to rebel), and asking for instruction from on High (because I know my help comes from the Maker of Heaven and earth…cuz these folks…I just hit delete on that last comment I was typing).
Relationships are everywhere, and if you want to be healthy and whole on every plane, you have to allow God to heal you EVERYWHERE, even in your working relationships. Just because you go to into a potentially hostile work environment doesn’t mean you have to be oppressed. We’re Kingdom children and our trajectory is different than the status quo. Our job is to lead others out of the crazy oppression as well. How can we do this if people don’t see us? How can we do this if we don’t learn how to take authority in the way the Lord desires it done? How can we do anything broken?
We can’t. So we have to be healed. Empty. Available. Well able to not only possess the land, but to cross the Jordan also.
Have I adjusted my attitude? Yes. It’s not easy, and it’s a daily dying to self thing. I don’t necessarily enjoy this, but who has ever enjoyed breaking up with anything?