Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.
Proverbs 27:6 (KJV)
I’ve had a lot of these kisses mentioned here. And they’ve left my heart scarred.
As quiet as it’s kept, I am a very sensitive and affectionate individual. When I love someone, they have all of my trust, effort, and devotion. There is nothing I withhold from them. All that I have is theirs. Until they prove I can’t trust them. Once this happens, one is ‘cast out’ indefinitely. My heart strings are retracted, and I cut your strings. A wall goes up, and there is toleration, civility, even a smile or two. But no more trust. Or at least, that’s who I used to be.
Just when I thought I was well past this, and able to recognize when I am stonewalling folks, the Lord brings another stronghold in this area to light, in a most unexpected place. Work.
My last job was my dream job. I was able to grow and utilize my talent, skills and abilities. I was taken seriously. My voice was heard. I was completely invested on every level. I brought work home, worked weekends, helped to build the company into what it is. I flourished there, until I was betrayed by someone I thought was friendly, someone who cared about me. She used me, and attempted to rape my mind and disrespect me, discredit me and ultimately rejected me. I was no longer useful because I had done what they felt was needed. I went over and over in my mind what I did wrong. Or why I was no longer useful, or more importantly, wanted. I wondered why they didn’t just sit me down and talk to me like a human with feelings. Then I realized… they didn’t care. I immediately recognized the plot to get rid of me, to replace me. Although I knew it was impossible to replace me, to replace the way I think, move and behave – I allowed them to try. I even tried to help them accomplish this. It failed. When it failed, things became worse. And that’s when I literally and figuratively flipped them off. I was on board with another man’s vision, yet it was not esteemed. It hurt. I felt like trash.
The morning I was going to resign/quit and they were going to let me go, the Holy Spirit graciously told me what to wear because I was going to lose my job that day. He didn’t want any negative connotation associated with this particular outfit (it was my favorite) that Friday, so He told me to change it. He told me to go to lunch with a coworker I really liked. He allowed the day to be sunny and nice. He allowed my appearance to be on fleek, and my attitude to be cheerful despite what I knew was coming. When I was called into the office to be talked to, I already knew why I was there, and the Holy Spirit was so graceful to me, he did not allow me to be embarrassed or cry. I had been clearing out my space for weeks, so there wasn’t much to take. Normally, they would call security to escort people out, but not me. They instead asked a coworker to escort me out – they knew I wouldn’t do anything. He hated it. All of it was so very casual, so easy. No one knew what happened, so when I left, they thought I was taking things out for an appointment.
After I left the building, I sobbed and cried. I was so despondent I couldn’t talk to God. I was angry with Him. I had a family to support. I was the main earner in my home. We were in debt. My BFF came to pick me up because my hubby had the car. She urged me to call to the Lord in this distress. In my anger and tears, I told her I didn’t want to talk to God.
My life at the moment was a mess at BEST. I felt raw, bruised, hurt. In the days afterward, I spent every moment I could journaling and pouring my heart out to God – having moments of supreme rejection, followed by moments of torment. I was tied to my job in every way possible. It was one of the worst breakups I’ve ever experienced. In my heart, I vowed not to be hurt like that again. I refused to invest all of me into anyone else’s endeavor again. I refused to trust anyone in a work environment again.
Unfortunately, that seed sprouted.
Let’s see how that turned out shall we? The Breakup – Part 2