I Forgot I Wanted To Sing

I am excited.  It’s Wednesday.  Wednesday is my husband’s early day from work.    I miss him, and it’s worth it to me to sacrifice a few hours of sleep to stay up to greet him when he gets home.  Sappy, right?

I’m so excited that I spent the afternoon and early evening listening to love songs from the 80’s & 90’s from some of my favorite R&B artists, New Edition being one of them. After Six was in bed, I decided to finally finish watching The New Edition Story on my Fire Stick.  I’ve been trying to finish this TV biopic for the last few weeks, especially after the rave reviews I heard and saw from friends in real-time and on social media.I have to admit, I was not disappointed.  The singing by the actors was amazeballs!

Watching the story stirred something in me.  Made me remember things I hadn’t thought about in years.  What some people don’t know is I got pregnant my senior year of high school, and missed a couple of opportunities.  I gave up several of my dreams and wandered aimlessly for about four years.  Long enough to have three children and potentially mess up my life forever.  Thank God for His mercy.  I eventually got it together, got some training, a job and became a responsible adult with some jacked up relationships (but that’s for another installment, folks).

I wanted to sing professionally more than anything else in the world.  The irony of my getting pregnant is I know the exact day it happened.  It was the night I was scheduled to sing solo from a classical opera piece from Psalm 121.  It was for an honors music recital that evening at school.  Prior to my singing at the recital, no one at school, aside from those who were in the music class I attended, knew that I could sing.  After that night, everyone knew.  After the initial jitters, I was fine and I melted into the music.  I knew then, I was meant to sing.  That I had good sound quality.  That I REALLY could do it if I wanted to.  I had hope when I left that stage.  And the next week, my hope was gone when I realized I missed my period.  And I had no fun losing my virtue…not to mention, the way I lost it was whack.  But I digress.

Tonight, I started feeling the way I felt at 12 when I overheard my mother tell one of her friends that she heard me singing a Whitney Houston song in the shower, and she was blown away by my voice.  I don’t know to this day if she knows I heard her say that.  I was shy, and disliked public attention, but I still wanted to sing.  In fact, when I was really little, I used to sing in my granddaddy’s church.  And then one day of memory lapse and embarrassment crushed me.  I didn’t ever sing in front of anyone after that, although many people would asked me to.  I refused to be embarrassed again. So, I hid in choirs and groups.

I was singing along with the New Edition songs when I mentioned to God that I would appreciate it if they could be in heaven, right along with bacon and Pepsi (because of course, that will be there!).  In the same breath, I heard (meaning I knew in my spirit) that God brought those people together in that group for a specific time, that even though they weren’t ministering praise to God, they were STILL using the gifts they were given, and they STILL were called to be together.  Even in this, God’s will prevailed.

As I continued to watch, I realized something.  I missed singing.  I missed the way music felt when it was sang to people, as opposed to alone in my room to myself.  And once the show was over, I asked God to forgive me.  Why?  Because I understood something.  I denied a dream that God placed in my heart.  I denied myself a talent.  I denied God His will and purpose for that talent.  I’ve known for a long time, since I was a child, that I wanted to do two things:  sing and be an attorney.  I still want to do both.  I gave up both dreams when I got pregnant.  Not because anyone said I had to.  But because I understood I couldn’t at that time. I started crying over dreams denied and bad choices and sacrifices. Some of the tears were sad, but most of them were happy tears.  Though I went through a lot, I received a lot in return.  Things that made me forget about what I really wanted to do all those years ago.  But that ain’t where this ends.

The Lord told me to sing for Him.  Right here, on my couch.  He put a song in my heart, a song that had never before been sung, right in that moment, right here on my couch.  The words came so effortlessly, and I felt a release I haven’t had anywhere else but with my God.  He let me know HE was pleased, that the song was a sacrifice, that he lives in the praises of His people.  That the dream of singing is not dead.  It’s just not happening the way I thought it would.  My husband and son love for me to sing to them. Shyness stops me from doing it as often as they would like.  No more.  They are my audience and my stage is the kitchen with a wooden spoon or the shower or the bedroom with a hairbrush.

There is fulfillment in being obedient to the call.  This is another reminder that your gifts are to bless someone else, not just you.  Just because I’m not on a stage or have a Beyhive or Stans doesn’t mean I’m not gifted, capable or less than.  It simply means I get to show my love to individuals in that way, to people I really want to connect with.  That’s what singing is about -making a solid connection over notes.  Instead of doing it over an auditorium mike or a karaoke bar (I like those, though!), I can strengthen the connections I have already in place, and nurture the family legacy of singing with Six, although I sucked at that with Kid 2 (who has an AMAZING voice!!!).

Although I let go of that dream, God hasn’t.  And time doesn’t have a say if the Lord wills it so.  Only we can stop the plan of God by choosing not to participate.  God’s yes is better than my no-so if he wants my stage to be with my family, so be it.


11 thoughts on “I Forgot I Wanted To Sing

  1. indilydia says:

    I’m so glad you wrote and are processing this. So much of my life was determined by the identity I was creating connected to my giftings, and after some serious deconstruction which was painful enough to almost kill it completely (it’s interested how deconstruction can happen by our own decisions, or by other people’s inputs), I put music and art aside for years.

    While art has in some way or another remained in play through encouraging people, doing cartoons on the board of my class to demonstrate a point, or by putting stuff up on the walls of my house, music has remained largely dormant, with enough material for an album sitting at the bottom of my back up folder on my wife’s computer. I love writing as well, and that remained dormant as well, until last year September. After some years of God’s restorative work in my family’s life, I began to feel the stirring to write when the impact of a friend’s years of blogging sank in one day. After praying and sharing this with my pastor, who’s a deeply understanding, wise man and a good friend, I felt the time was right to start to share my story, and the blog birthed. It was a big deal, as I shy away from social networking and am not even on Facebook.

    I didn’t know that just a few months after that, I would explore songwriting again (something I’ve always loved to do), and I would post my first song up in public in my post ‘What Would I Do?’ I’ve been writing a book for my daughter (done about 13,000 words), which is next in line to process and finish, if I get a computer.

    This time around, what I just love is the freedom. Because the gift no longer holds me tight, I have no problem posting knowing that no one may read or hear or see the post. The knowledge is both humbling and freeing, so I don’t pursue getting my posts more known or in the public eye, trusting that God will use it or not as He thinks best.

    I pray that you will experience the delight of ongoing restoration, freedom and glorifying God through what He has given us, in whatever way or vehicle it may happen in.

    God bless,

    Liked by 1 person

    • Not So Random Chick says:

      You said: Because the gift no longer holds me tight, I have no problem posting knowing that no one may read or hear or see the post. The knowledge is both humbling and freeing, so I don’t pursue getting my posts more known or in the public eye, trusting that God will use it or not as He thinks best.

      I sooooooo needed to see/read this right this moment. I had stopped writing for about six years because I didn’t think anyone was interested in reading ‘me’. December 2015, the Lord told me to return to blogging. Only I wasn’t faithful to it. Because…no one was reading ‘me’. My posts were too long, I shared too much info about myself. So, I stopped writing and began teaching in informal groups at church. My life went crazy-kids, mom, marriage, everything got tried, tested, separated, chopped and screwed. That’s what happened in 2016. And then I started being so transparent on Facebook that the Lord told me to own my content and pickup the blog I started the year before. I sing more NOW than I did at any other time in my life, and it’s mostly private things to family or to God. I have journals full of content, songs, poetry, dream interpretations. All things that I understand now aren’t about me and my need to be read or seen. That being read and seen was directly tied to my need for recognition. Once God showed me He approves me and He sees ME, the me I’ve been trying to get others to see, He opened my eyes to what ministry is about. It’s not about being seen but serving. What we’re doing is a service. All services ain’t for everybody. Because we are so tailor made for situations, purposes, so are our giftings and the ability to share them.

      I pray that you continue to let your light shine in the place you and your wife (and family) have been called. If you continue to be diligent and faithful to the call, you won’t remain hidden much longer, and the Lord will send you and your gifts by cultivation of your children and those you touch with your teachings.

      Grace & Peace be multiplied to you!

      Liked by 1 person

      • indilydia says:

        Thank you so much for your reply. I don’t know your name, and am uncomfortable calling you ‘Not So Random Chick’. 🙂 So, I hope you don’t mind my requesting your name.

        I shared your reply with my family and how, one more time, we saw beyond the shadow of a doubt that there are no coincidences. Thank you for the encouragement, and while I must say that I’ve made a commitment to obscurity, and feel very uncomfortable being ‘revealed’, I do want God to be free to lead me, and I do pray that I will be diligent and faithful to His call, regardless of the outcome.

        Thank you for your honesty about yourself in your blog. I realise so many of us have real brokenness in our lives, and it’s encouraging to hear others’ stories of their struggles and joys and sorrows in their walk with Christ, knowing that people are not very different from me. I guess I’ve always been afraid of super-sorted-out people.

        Thank you for the links. I’ll be checking them out, and thank you for the follow on my blog.

        Many regards to you and your family,

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Eric says:

    In the end it all works to God’s plan. Maybe He knew you would get pregnant and He let you sing that Psalm opera anyway. Maybe He wanted you to have the blessings of a loving family/children more than having the fame of being a songstress. No matter. As long as you still have the ability to sing. Do it. Because you never know what tomorrow will bring. Enjoy the gift while you have it.


    • Not So Random Chick says:

      Yanno, Eric, you’re right. It does all end up in God’s plan. I’m sure he knew that would be the last time I sang the same way. It’s been 25 years. As I look at the world around me, I realize what a blessing it was not to be caught up in the music industry – at 16 years old, it could have gone terribly awry. Thank God for unknown blessings!

      Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. Have a terrific day!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. thunker says:

    Loved this post. I’ve been a musician my whole life, but put that dream aside to support a family. Dreams do come back around and your talent definitely blesses the lives of your family. Keep your dream alive and share your talent!


    • Not So Random Chick says:

      Thanks! Sitting a dream aside momentarily is not death to the dream itself. Dreams only die when we do. I did trade actually singing for writing lyrics. Maybe one day, I’ll have them published for someone else’s voice.

      Don’t keep that dream on the shelf too long or let it expire.

      Remain blessed and thanks for stopping over!

      Liked by 1 person

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